


No way me too

by Shmooshedbreadsticks



Category: Batman - All Media Types, DCU (Comics)
Genre: Fluff, Tooth-Rotting Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-22
Updated: 2019-08-22
Packaged: 2020-09-24 08:07:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,270
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20355169
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shmooshedbreadsticks/pseuds/Shmooshedbreadsticks
Summary: Bonding time for my sweet demon bird Damian and Ivy





	No way me too

Gotham is known for having lots of weird people. There’s the clown who kills people. The one essentially dressed in a burlap sack who scares people. The arsonist. The one who has a weird thing with riddles. Considering the people they deal with on a near daily basis, it’s a wonder that there are any sane people in Gotham. Not to say it’s sane to dress up like a bat and fight crime, but the bats are maybe the only thing keeping Gotham from turning into a city-wide asylum.  
When Commissioner Gordon heard that Poison Ivy was out of Arkham, he called the only person crazy enough to deal with her efficiently- Batman. 

“Gordon says Ivy is out of Arkham” Bruce announced as he walked down the stairs to the cave to be met by Nightwing, Red Robin, and Robin. Dick and Tim looked up at his arrival, seemingly putting on hold whatever conversation they were having, while Damian only briefly acknowledged him and continued to meticulous clean his blade.

“Do we know what she’s up to?” Damian asked, paying attention to both the sword and his father.

“Not yet, but it’s only a matter of time.” Their father explains. Damian and Tim nod in acknowledgement while Dick groans in annoyance.

“Maybe she won’t be up to anything. I mean, maybe her and Harley are finally going to move into that apartment they’ve always talked about, give up crime, and live normal lives.” 

“While that sounds great, not likely” Tim began. “Harley isn’t in Gotham right now. Last time I saw her she said something about visiting her family.”

“She told you that?” Bruce questioned with an eyebrow raised.

“Yup.” He said popping the “p”. She wanted to make sure we left her alone with them to have ‘a few normal weeks.’”

“Huh” Dick commented as everyone processed the information. It was pretty normal to want to visit family for a while, but in a city where abnormal is the normal, it was just— different.

“Anyways!” Dick said loudly clapping his hands together to interrupt the lull in conversation. Bruce just looked at him, Tim jumpers little, and Damian tried to cover up the fact that he jumped enough to get a paper-sized cut from his sword.

“Any ideas where she might be? We find her, we find what she’s up to.” Bruce said turning to the others too.

“Maybe we can check the local gardens?” Dick suggested.

“She might like to be there, but we should check some place she might try to target. We could look at factories that give off a lot of pollution?” Tim tried. 

“What about the supermarket?” Damian added, causing all three of them to look at him strangely. “What?”

“Why the supermarket?” Dick asked skeptically for everyone.

“Simple. She, like everyone, need to eat. She was in Arkham for a few weeks meaning she will need to buy more food. Find her there and follow her.” He explained as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

“That’s— I don’t know. It makes sense, but it seems weird. Like is she like ‘hello! I’m Pam, you’ve probably seen me on the news terrorizing the city. Can I have a dozen eggs.’” Tim mimics, causing Dick to snicker.

“Oh yes, Drake. Because no one has seen Red Robin enter a convenience store to get energy drinks.” Damian comments with an eye roll.

“We should try Damian’s idea.” Bruce announced before his two youngest could bicker anymore. Damian smirked while Dick and Tim still looked a little baffled by the whole idea.

“There’s dozens of supermarkets in Gotham, how do we know which one she goes to?” Tim asks.

“We can look at the ones closest to her and Harley’s appartement.” Dick suggests, while Tim begins to type on the Bat-computer.

“Okay so there’s three supermarkets within walking distance of their apartment.” Tim read from the computer. “One is a regular store, one looks like it’s all those weird healthy foods, and one is some kind of super-sized super market.”

“I call super-sized store!” Dick shouts before anyone has a chance to say anything. Everyone looks at him odd. “What? They have a lot of stuff on really high shelves so I can sit up there without anyone noticing me.” 

“...Okay then, Tim will go with you because it’s double the size of the other stores.” Bruce decides. “I’ll take the normal store, and Damian can take the health foods store.” Seeing everyone nod in acceptance, he and the rest of them left to go get the rest of their gear.

They all kept their uniforms on but covered them with sweatshirts, enough so the average person wouldn’t notice- except for Bruce of course. The cowl was kind of a giveaway, but he preferred the shadows anyways. The boys, however, ditched the masks for dark glasses like Dick used to wear. 

“Everyone good to go?” Batman asked over the communicators. 

“All clear.” Tim said into his cell phone to make it look like he was just making a regular call. Next to him, Dick was munching on a bag of chips that Tim never saw him grab.

“Good here.” Dick added with a crunch.

“I too am in position.” Damian called as he walked looked at the wide variety of vegan food that his store had available.

“Good. Check in every 20 minutes and keep the lines clear. Don’t draw any extra attention.” With mutual agreement, everyone turned their comms off temporarily to avoid looking like they were talking to themselves. 

“Hey D,” Tim started, comprising between calling him Nightwing or Dick.

“Yeah Red?” Dick answered with another crunch.

“I just realized that we sent Damian, the youngest of us, to a store by himself.” Dick stopped crunching and looked a little surprised no one realized that sooner.

“Oops. Too late now. Guess he’ll just have to be extra careful not to look suspicious.” 

Meanwhile, Bruce had found that Batman being at a supermarket wasn’t that uncommon. Apparently, someone who dresses up as Batman occasionally goes to supermarkets or parks and takes pictures with the little kids. If they didn’t find Ivy, at least he got to take a picture with a little girl wearing a “Batman-Ear Headband” that apparently someone sells.

Damian, much like his father, was enjoying his time at the supermarket. He rarely goes with Alfred to get groceries, so he was pleasantly surprised to see the vast selection of vegan foods offered at this specific store. He was going through all the aisles until apparently someone saw him.

“Do you need help finding your parents?” A voice behind him asked. 

“*TT*” he responded instinctively. “No I am quite fine.” He turned around to face whoever it was who seemed to think he was too young to be left alone, only to find a familiar face.

“I only know one person who makes that annoying little noise and wears boots like that.” She smirks confidently pointing at his boots.

“*TT* I am not annoying.” He defended before he realized that wasn’t the thing to focus on.

“Debatable” she shrugged. “What I’m curious about is why you’re here.”

“I don’t have to answer to you.” He replied stubbornly.

“Unless you want me to go tell that lady at the checkout that you lost your mommy and need help finding her, you do.” Ivy mocked playfully. While he didn’t want to answer her, he also didn’t want to go though the humiliation of THAT.

“Fine, Batman heard you were out of Gotham and decided to look for you to keep an eye on you.” He reluctantly explained.

“At the supermarket?” She asked incredulously.

“You are here are you not?” 

“Touché.” She conceded. “Well I’m not up to anything yet, just shopping, but while you’re here, you might as well help me. 

“What makes you think I am going to do that?” He argues crossing his arms. 

“Are you going to leave?” 

“No”

“Then make yourself useful and follow me. I’m still getting my groceries.” She says with an air of finality. While he still doesn’t want to, he follows, slightly interested.

“So I need to find quinoa, bell peppers, bacon, sausage, and black bean burgers.” She explains as she turns the shopping cart down the next aisle. 

He watched as she grabbed a package of vegan bacon and vegan sausages and placed it in the cart. Turning his attention to where she took the food from. Upon closer inspection, he noticed that ALL the food was vegan. 

“Does this store only have vegan food options?” He decided to ask as she started walking away.

“Vegan and vegetarian.” She answered before turning to look at him skeptically. “Why? Is that a problem?”

“*TT* of course not. I am a vegetarian.” He told her. He knows he shouldn’t be telling her personal things, but he hardly considered her knowing he is a vegetarian to be an issue.

“Really? So am I. I thought you were the stabby Robin? Don’t you threaten to kill someone like every other day?” She asked with an amused smile.

“I threaten to kill people who have done something wrong, not innocent animals.” Damian answered as if what he said was completely normal, causing Ivy to smile.

“That’s essentially what I do kiddo.” She said, hoping to rile the kid up a little.

“I know.” Came his reply, causing her to take a mental double take. “You hurt people who hurt the environment, and while I can respect that, I also follow Batman in his endeavors.” 

“Why though, it’s not like he’s your dad or anything and can ground you?” Ivy asked, forgetting briefly about the groceries. He didn’t respond right away, instead shifting uncomfortably. 

“No of course not.” He weakly defended.

“So Bats really is your dad, huh?” She said, smug smile refusing to leave her face.

“What? Of course not, did you not just-“ He sputtered before she cut him off.

“Don’t worry, I won’t tell your old man I know. I was just curious.” She promised as she started to collect the rest of the items she needed. She turned to look at him again and saw he disappeared.

“Great.” She sarcastically said aloud to herself. She continued and grabbed a few boxes of quinoa. When she looked at the shopping cart again, she saw Robin was back with black bean burgers.

“Aww you do like me” she teased as he put them in her cart.

“*TT* of course not. I was just helping you get your things so you don’t tell the workers I am a ‘lost child’” 

“Sure you are” she said, having an odd urge to ruffle his hair. She decided against it, but it made her think. Why does she suddenly like this Robin? He’s a murderous little brat, but he has his own code, similar to her own. 

“So you really don’t have that much of an issue with what I do?” She asked him tentatively as she picked out a few bell peppers and placed them in a small paper bag instead of the plastic ones usual stores have.

“Other than the fact that you fight Father not really.” He admitted, resigning himself to the fact that she knew Batman was his father. “Then again, he is the one who goes looking for a fight. What you do isn’t any more legal than being a vigilante.” She couldn’t suppress her laughter at his answer.

“While I appreciate that, you do recognize that you compared me to you and Batman.” She clarified.

“If you ever bring up that up with Father or anyone else he associates with I will have your head.” He threatens, although her smile doesn’t falter.

“You’re a weird kid, ya know that?” She said, this time not fighting the urge to ruffle his hair, although her hand was quickly swatted away. “But you’re a good weird. I like you too.”

“*TT* Who said I like you?” The small, now annoyed Robin asked.

“Don’t worry, I can just tell.” She smugly said as she placed her items on the conveyor belt for the worker to scan her items. “By the way, you’ve been with me this whole time, and I never saw you call back up. What’s up with that?”

“I called when I retrieved the burgers.” He admitted. “I was told to check in, and I did.” 

“Then how come there’s no Bats here to stare me and my vegan bacon down?” She mused.

“I told you, I check in. There’s no suspicious activity here.” He said with a shrug. 

“Awww you do like me!” She exclaimed and hugged him in a very Harley-like manner, although she was quickly pushed off. 

“Get off of me you heathen.” Pamela was about to retort when the cashier cleared her throat to get their attention. 

“Yeah yeah” she muttered as she handed the worker the money. As she picked up her groceries (who was she to say anything if Robin decided to help her carry some for her) she overheard a conversation between two people nearby.

“Ma’am, is that your car?” A worker asked on of the customers.

“Yeah, what about it?” She sneered at the poor man.

“Well you have been here for a half hour, and it’s incredibly hot out. You can’t leave your dog in the car like that.” Ivy saw this got Robin’s attention.

“You have no business telling me how to treat my dog. I don’t tell you how to do your job. It’s fine, some dogs live outside.” The owner spat.

“Ma’am, it’s 90 degrees out, and no windows are open. If you don’t do something, I have to call the cops.” The worker persisted. This clearly upset the woman who started swearing at the poor worker before she continued shopping.

“Don’t worry, sir.” Damian said stepping towards the worker. “The dog will have a good home.” 

“Just don’t look in the store’s direction, that’s where our cameras are.” The man advised, surprising both Ivy and Robin.

Ivy followed Robin to the parking lot towards the car with the dog. After they both checked to make sure no one was looking, he smashed the window with the hilt of his sword that he somehow had concealed on him. Luckily, the lady had an older car, so no alarm sounded. Damian handed Ivy the rest of the groceries as he gently picked the small dog up.

“What are you going to do with her?” Ivy asked the boy.

“I do not know, but she needs water. From the looks of it, she also requires food.” He observed, seeing the small dog’s rib cage.

“My apartment isn’t far, and Harley doesn’t get back until later. Bring her with us; we can take care of her there.” 

“You do not mind me going to your home?” He asked skeptically.

“Not really, I kinda like you. I especially don’t mind when it comes to a poor pup’s health.” She assured.

Once they reached her apartment, Ivy placed all her groceries on the table. While she put away the things that needed to be in the freezer for refrigerator, Damian found a bowl and filled it with water. Once everything was put away and the dog had some water, they made sausage for the dog, seeing as there was no actual dog food.

“Aww she’s adorable when she eats.” Ivy cooed. Damian said nothing, but she saw he had a small smile matching hers at the sight.

“Do you think that a cool bath would cool her down some more?” He asked as he pet the dog in front of him. “She is still quite warm.”

“That would be good. Do you want to start that while I wash the dishes? Bathroom is down the hall to the left.” He nodded, and went to go start the bath.

“Hey, you can stay as long as you like, but are you sure your dad was okay with you just running off?” She called over the noise of the sink and bath water running. “I don’t need Batman showing up saying I kidnapped his kid.”

“What kid?” A voice from behind called, causing Ivy to spin around to face the person.

“Oh my God, Harles you scared me.” She said placing a hand on her heart, making Harley chuckle.

“He will survive. I tend to ‘run off’ a lot.” A voice mysterious to Harley called from down the hall. She followed the noise to the source, finding something she certainly didn’t expect to see.

“Hun, why is Robin in our bathroom giving a dog a bath?” Harley asked her girlfriend as the woman being questioned appeared in the doorway.

“Because the dog needed a bath.” She answered simply causing Harley to raise an eyebrow at her.

“She needs a name.” Robin chimed in, ignoring their conversation completely.

“And a home.” Ivy added, causing Harley to smile from ear to ear.

“Wait, you two rescued a dog?” She asked joyfully. “Pammy PLEASE can we keep her? I’ve always wanted a dog!” 

“I guess we could.” Ivy answered, clearly thinking about how to care for a dog properly.

“YES!” Harley cheered.

“Robin you okay with us keeping...” Ivy started, clearly waiting for Harley to think of a name.

“Sir Pickles.” Harley inserted seriously.

“Are you okay with us keeping Sir Pickles? Wait she’s a girl though?” Ivy questioned.

“Women can be just as skilled or more skilled as men, therefore a woman could be a knight, earning the name Sir.” Robin supplied, remembering the women he fought with in the league and that he fights alongside now. “Of course I am okay with this, but...”

“But what?” Harley asked, frowning slightly at the thought of not having her puppy.

“C’n I shtll visrt hmr” he mumbled.

“What?”

“Can I still visit her?” He said quietly, not looking up, much resembling a guilty child. Harley looked to Ivy for an answer

“Of course you can you little brat. I’ll teach you how to make vegan lasagna.” Ivy offered. “Just try not to stab me or Harley too much next time you’re with Bats.”

“I can live with that arrangement.” He said as something in his pocket started to vibrate. The distraction allowed the puppy to hop out of the tub, and Harley was ecstatic when Sir Pickles went directly to her. Damian picked the phone out of his pocket and answered it.

“Where are you? You turned off your tracker and have been gone for two hours.” The voice on the other end of the phone demanded. The volume was loud enough so they all heard and recognized the sound of Batman’s voice. Damian was quick to lower the volume for the sake of privacy and his eardrum.

“Do you explain to us where you disappear to? No. I’m fine, and I will return soon.” “What do you mean you sent that foollooking for me?” “Parking lot?” “I have no idea what you are talking about.” “There are literally millions of people who are my height and thousands who live in Gotham.” “*TT*” And with that, he hung up. 

“Did you just hang up on Batman?” Harley asked with wide eyes.

“You got caught breaking the car window, didn’t you?” Ivy asked.

“Yes” he said turning to Harley, “and yes,” he said turning to Ivy.

“I have to return before Red Hoodie shows up.” Damian said as he stood up. 

“Take care of Sir Pickles.” He called as he jumped down the fire escape, thinking of how on earth he was going to get home.


End file.
